AAhhhh, Mother's Day. The day to celebrate our mothers, to let them know how very valuable they are to us.
Only...what if you have a very difficult relationship with your mom? What if picking out a sappy, wordy card seems horrifically hypocritical? What if by the time your well thought out plan to make dinner and see a nice movie she had already wrestled you to your emotional brink? And what if being a mother yourself is the very thing you long for yet you are unable to do? I hate Mother's Day. It is a day that only reminds me of my unfortunate relationship with my own mother and my inability to be one myself. But..
I have such a profound love and respect for mothers. They truly shape who we are. They selflessly give of themselves, love unconditionally and become heroes in the eyes of their children.
So I try to remind myself that I am a good soul...to which I owe my mother alot of gratitude. She is a strong-willed, independent, compassionate woman and I hope I have adopted some these qualities. But her inability to love wholly, change her behaviors and repent for her many irrevocable hurtful actions will forever keep us separated by a deep-rooted resentment.
My hope is that the fact that I longed for so much more, that I felt so unloved will help me be a better mother one day. I just hope that day is sooner rather than later. I hope that by next year, it will have new meaning for me. For the child I hope to have will have me as a mother and together we can always celebrate the woman who selflessly gave him/her to me . That child will know true love...that is my dream. So until then, it is the one holiday I can live without.
Only...what if you have a very difficult relationship with your mom? What if picking out a sappy, wordy card seems horrifically hypocritical? What if by the time your well thought out plan to make dinner and see a nice movie she had already wrestled you to your emotional brink? And what if being a mother yourself is the very thing you long for yet you are unable to do? I hate Mother's Day. It is a day that only reminds me of my unfortunate relationship with my own mother and my inability to be one myself. But..
I have such a profound love and respect for mothers. They truly shape who we are. They selflessly give of themselves, love unconditionally and become heroes in the eyes of their children.
So I try to remind myself that I am a good soul...to which I owe my mother alot of gratitude. She is a strong-willed, independent, compassionate woman and I hope I have adopted some these qualities. But her inability to love wholly, change her behaviors and repent for her many irrevocable hurtful actions will forever keep us separated by a deep-rooted resentment.
My hope is that the fact that I longed for so much more, that I felt so unloved will help me be a better mother one day. I just hope that day is sooner rather than later. I hope that by next year, it will have new meaning for me. For the child I hope to have will have me as a mother and together we can always celebrate the woman who selflessly gave him/her to me . That child will know true love...that is my dream. So until then, it is the one holiday I can live without.
2 comments:
I've been checking your blog everyday! I know I know...I'm a nerd...
You are SUCH a good soul! And although your relationship is rocky with your momma, she did have a part in creating such a wonderful, loving person.
I have no doubt in my mind that your future child will know true love! You love him/her so much already and you haven't even met them. That's gotta count for somethin!
love ya girl!
Sometimes it's true what they say...I find myself turning into my mother. And *sometimes* in *some* instances...I'm thankful for it. She gave me things that I'm proud of.
But sometimes I question myself and take a step back and ask "would she do this? How would she respond? And how as her child did I feel about her doing that?"
So I have no doubt in my mind that with your beautiful soul and willingness to give you'll pass on the good and be the best mother you can be from what you did or didn't learn from your own. And I'm so proud and enlightened when I hear of a person who feels so strongly in that way because it means that you will give a child a good life. You will change thought patterns, behavior patterns, you will change HISTORY and bring about a whole new idea of "motherhood" to your own child.
And if you ever wonder why you're here, what you're meant to do...know that if nothing else, you will change the world by being a good mother. I know it!
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