Mother's Day 2007

AAhhhh, Mother's Day. The day to celebrate our mothers, to let them know how very valuable they are to us.

Only...what if you have a very difficult relationship with your mom? What if picking out a sappy, wordy card seems horrifically hypocritical? What if by the time your well thought out plan to make dinner and see a nice movie she had already wrestled you to your emotional brink? And what if being a mother yourself is the very thing you long for yet you are unable to do? I hate Mother's Day. It is a day that only reminds me of my unfortunate relationship with my own mother and my inability to be one myself. But..

I have such a profound love and respect for mothers. They truly shape who we are. They selflessly give of themselves, love unconditionally and become heroes in the eyes of their children.

So I try to remind myself that I am a good soul...to which I owe my mother alot of gratitude. She is a strong-willed, independent, compassionate woman and I hope I have adopted some these qualities. But her inability to love wholly, change her behaviors and repent for her many irrevocable hurtful actions will forever keep us separated by a deep-rooted resentment.

My hope is that the fact that I longed for so much more, that I felt so unloved will help me be a better mother one day. I just hope that day is sooner rather than later. I hope that by next year, it will have new meaning for me. For the child I hope to have will have me as a mother and together we can always celebrate the woman who selflessly gave him/her to me . That child will know true love...that is my dream. So until then, it is the one holiday I can live without.

David Beckham, SWOOOON..............

So I have this ridiculous, 7th grade crush on David Beckham. And seein as how I'm NOT in the 7th grade, it's more like a blood-boiling, psycho, dirty infatuation. I can honestly say I don't remember the last person (with the exception of my hubby of course), celebs included, that I get THIS worked up over. I mean, I'm THIRTY TWO years old for crying out loud and I actually fantasize about him. I have this little one where we do dirty things to each other for hours on end, eat, sleep and then go get mani's and pedi's together (you KNOW he's a metro-sexual). I know, sick right?!

So, I comb the internet looking for photos and just imagine us together...like I did with Corey Haim and Rick Springfield back in the day. I pretend I'm his mistress (not even the WIFE...it gets sicker people) and we have these rendesvous. I mean, in REAL life, I'm pretty goody-two-shoes and wouldn't dream of being some dirty mistress whore, but in my subconscious, I totally am. WHAT???!!

Is this unhealthy?? Is it because I'm feeling randy that this creeps up? I do hear all the time about reaching some sexual peak in your thirties, but does that include obsessing over T.V. people with whom I have no chance in hell of ever scoring...even if I WERE single and trying??? Ahhh, maybe that's it. No harm done. It would never happen and he just fulfills some weird "kick me in the ass with your muscle-toned soccer legs" fantasy? I guess that's it. At least that's what I'm gonna tell myself tonight when we meet in my dreams...

The Secret

Ok, so I'm currently reading The Secret (I know...Oprah and her damn world domination!), and I think it's really helping. For those who know me, I am perpetually happy. I mean to the point of annoyance. I'm often asked if I've ever been a cheerleader....yup, I confess. But those who KNOW me, know I have some demons and have had a few rough times. But I refuse to become a victim to what others have created. The book has helped me realize (what I think I already knew), we are masters of our own universe (why am I visualizing a muscle-man w/ a sword in the air??? Oh yeah, He-Man!!). Anyhoo, it speaks of the power of positive thinking and the law of attraction. If you think something hard enough, you will begin to feel it, in turn causing a reaction toward your original thought. It's an interesting theory and hey, what bad could possibly come with thinking positively?? Only problem I see? It claims the average Joe has 60,000!!!!!!! thoughts a day. And, well, I'm SO not average. I swear I have ADD and assume I have no less than 100,000 thoughts a day, 95% of which are usually spewing from my mouth!

So I started this just yesterday. Literally started changing my thought process. If I had a negative thought, I would replace it with a positive one.

Case in point: I have this irrational fear that no one likes me. Ok, that's very general. But I have always worried if I make a good impression, what people REALLY think about me etc. I know, pathetic. I swear I'm not some insecure flop...I really think I'm a pretty good gal. I genuinely care for people, I try to be a great friend/partner. I DO like myself. But I don't know if OTHER people like me. So I'm taking this sabbatical in Fla (I lived here before moving to Denver) and I have this sinking feeling that the new friends I have there will forget me while I'm gone. What, as if not being a yelping dog in their face will make me just vanish from their minds and hearts?? Not likely, I would hope, but this is how my crazy little brain works. I had the same fear when I left my friends in Florida, although I have YEARS of history with them, so I wasn't AS silly about it. So, I made myself change this thought process. I reminded myself of all the fun we'd had, all the ways in which we've really grown to care for eachother and what my contributions to that have been (I'm the group photographer...this I know!). And what happened? I check my e-mail and I have all of these sweet, encouraging e-mails and messages on my MySpace account. THEN, my friend Chrissy reminds me to read her blog and she's written this quick, sweet blog about her "Happy friend Jess" who is sad right now. And I cry...because that's what I do. If I'm not smiling, I'm hysterically bawling about something. Wait, don't panic, I'm not bipolar. It's just that I cry about EVERYTHING, more so when I'm happy or touched than when I'm actually sad. See, silly me, they didn't and won't forget. Sheesh. You hope you can impact someone's life a little more than allowing them to forget you in 2 days. And I hope I have, because I truly value these people and I hope they know that.

So, I think it works. I'm still not sure what the big "secret" is, but I do believe that changing your way of thinking truly can change events in your life. And, well, I wish I had this information ALOT sooner. For that Oprah, I fully place all blame on you.