Cranky, crabby and plain pissed!

WHERE do I begin??

It is, on record, the hottest October in Fort Myers. It has been SWELTERING in the 90's with like 5000% humidity and I am officially over it!! I know I complained about how dry it was in Denver....with the combo of baby oil AND lotion post shower, I was still a crocodile. But I would cut off my right arm for some colored leaves, a brisk wind or even the white stuff. Not to be all girly, but you bolt from the house to the car hoping to beat the heat and BAM!, the hair is flat, the make-up has run off and the armpits are doing things you think only a man's can do.

I am REALLY missing Denver and my peeps there. Adding insult to injury: 1) The Rockies are in the friggin' World Series...whoot-whoot (that was for you, Jill) and 2) it has SNOWED! Again, I may have complained about snow before Halloween at SOME point, but if I am ever lucky enought to get back there I will never, ever again complain about summer having officially ended as I am now in a place of the perpetual summer....

Getting back to my vanity, anyone up for connect-the-dots with the acne the afore-mentioned humidity is creating on my face?! Granted, it's nearly THAT time of the month, but sheesh, can I catch a break here??

And to a more serious topic, my little nephew. He leaves to have his bone marrow transplant the first week in November in North Carolina for FOUR months! I am just getting spoiled with the fact that I get to see him all the time, and now they have to go. Granted, it is essential to his survival but I'm going to miss him like crazy. I'm unfortunately thinking of all the potential mishaps with surgery and I have this irrational fear I may not see him again. The closer it gets to him leaving, the worse it gets.

Ok, I feel better...thank God for the ability to get out here and vent...I may not have survived the institution without it!

Not so happy at the moment...

I confess. Once again, I couldn't remember which email I signed in with...or my password. Seriously?! What's my problem?? Proves just one thing: I'm not blogging enough!!! I have SO much to write about, but haven't found the time.

1) My nephew, Caleb. He was diagnosed with Leukemia a month ago. You know, the adorable one in the blog below. The one I envy my sister about. THAT one. This is the closest child to my heart. I know when I have my own, I may feel differently, but right now, officially my favorite kid on the planet. He is so hilarious and sweet, I adore his very being. I'm having a really hard time accepting that he may very well die. He's 3. 3 year-olds don't DIE, do they? They've just BEGUN their lives. It's so incomprehensible that it makes my literally sick to my stomach to even comsider it. But the facts are that he is not responding well to treatment and he has several factors that have proven to have the worst outcomes. So I am currently questioning every belief I have that a higher power exists. I try, I do, to understand that God has a "plan", that there is the proverbial reason for everything. But tell me...what is the REASON for this?

2) So we're going "home" to Florida. Only, I'm not sure what that really means. Is home the physical space in which we live? Is it where our loved ones are? Or maybe where we are the most comfortable, the place that most fulfills our desires. Can that be more than one place? This is my dilemma.
Florida is the place I lived for the longest amount of time in my life. It is where I spent my formidable years. Where my family moved to. Where I made the closest, longest friendships. The beach on which I layed for more hours than I care to admit was a half hour from my house. It is the place I met the man I will spend my life with, where we promised our undying love to one another. I have the best memories of my life there. There is an orange, purple sunset like no other I have ever seen, where the sun disappears into an endless blue sea. It is beyond beautiful.
Colorado is the place I chose to go for it's energy, beauty and complete change of scenery. It is the first place I actually cried because I was so touched by the awesome beauty of my surroundings. I know God is real because of the true beauty in nature I have witnessed here. It is the place I have grown to realize my strength of character, my ability to adapt. WhereI discovered things I never realized I have a passion for until I had the chance to experience them. I have made friends that have inspired me to be a better person, to go beyond what I knew I could do.
So which is home? They say "Home is where your heart is", but it is literally torn between these two amazing places. What I do know, is that right now, given THESE circumstances, home has to be where the time with my precious nephew may be limited. It is where he is, laughing his silly laugh, dancing his wiggly dance. I guess home will be wherever I am.

A little jealous

YAY! My little sister recently had her 2nd baby, a gorgeous little girl named Isabella. I am so happy for her....but a little jealous too, I must confess. This is the little toe-headed girl who shared my room, made me sing her to sleep and always asked for my advice. Now she's a grown woman with two children whom I will inevitably ask for advice when I am fortunate enough to have my own child. Don't misunderstand, I am so happy for her, I just wish we had more in common at the moment.

One unlucky day!

Ok, I'm surely gonna lose some cool points for this one (as though I had any to begin with!). I had one of "THOSE" days today...you know those days, the ones where every imaginable thing that can go wrong, can and will? Yup, one of those.



So I start this job TWO days ago. It's great! Total career change. I'm a recruiter for a medical staffing company...very interesting, challenging, exciting...I think I'm gonna love it. Anyhoo, day two and it's going along swimmingly. The husband informs me he needs a ride to the airport, at 11am. I ask my great new boss if I can take my lunch hour a bit early to take him. Sure, she says. No problem, right? Uh, huh. On my way back to the office, I get caught in traffic, so I have about 20 minutes to get back in what should take 35 minutes. I realize I haven't eaten...at all. No breakfast, nada. Me, without sustenance? Not pretty. Cranky, listless...foul, I tell you. So I see a KFC (my only option at this point...there goes the health food kick). Getting out was a bitc...you get the point. I sat there for another 7-8 minutes waiting for some kind soul to let me across THREE lanes of traffic. I don't make it. I have to go up, U-turn (illegally) and high tail it to be only a few minutes late. Here's where I lose it. One word: construction. In the hour I've been gone, they have closed down both accessible ways to the office. After much cussing, fist slamming and inhaling my "lunch", I arrive....fifteen minutes late. Thank God the boss was at lunch at didn't know, but I fear one of my sales competitors will rat me out. I'll let you know Monday.



On my way home (through the f-ing construction), I think I'm home free. I'm already tasting the alcoholic beverages I'll be consuming. WHAT?! Blue and red lights flashing in my rear-view. F#@%!!!!!! Do you know why I pulled you over, he asks? Yes, my tags are expired AND I have a taillight out AND I can't find my insurance card (in my defense, I've NEVER had a ticket). The kind officer lets me off with an only $75 ticket...according to him, coulda been upwards of $1000. Thanks for the info, pig.



Still, I'm not phased. I'm going to have margaritas and a movie with a friend, I'm ok. At least that's what I'm chanting the whole way home. I make it, still smiling. I get in, get my doggy, leash him up and walk out the door. And then, it hits me. No...no, no, no, no!!! PLEASE, no. I turn the handle and sure enough, I've locked myself out. The on-site building supervisor is not home OR answering his phone, my husband's on a plane and I, well, I am screwed. I have to laugh. I do, until it becomes so hysterical that I begin to snort. My dog, a pug, thinks I'm having a conversation with him and becomes even more hyped-up than usual. What's a girl to do? Again, the silver lining is, I had my phone...not my KEYS, but my phone. I call Pop- A- Lock. Great service, it is. But AN HOUR later, a fat, sweaty guy gets in my apartment in literally thirty seconds and I'm 60 bucks in the hole for his "service". He then has the nerve to remind me I am welcome to add gratuity. Gratuity?? For what? You've already robbed me blind! But, I am grateful to be out of the blazing heat.

So, while due to my own stupidity, did these things ALL have to happen to me TODAY?? Of course they did, because that's my luck...or lack thereof! I think that's why I have a thing for ladybugs. German tradition says they mean good luck. Lord knows I need all the help I can get! I'm determined to avoid black cats, find a four leaf clover...you get the point. But I somehow manage to smile through the mess. There's a bajillion things I hate about me but I'm grateful for that aspect of my personality. I really think I'd have lost it by now if I couldn't find the proverbial silver lining. Sheesh...

I'm Baaaaack!

Ok, I have a confession....I haven't blogged in a while because I forgot my password. Oh, AND I couldn't recall what e-mail address I signed in with. Yup, 32 and already going brain dead! Anyhoo, I'm back in action and ready to discuss some hot topics I have on the brain:

1) Really??!! The news (including legitimate sources) are THIS obsessed with Paris Friggin Hilton and her meager jail sentence? Really?! Can we not see that the reason she's famous is because we keep perpetuating the madness? I've resorted to checking out my gossip rags from the library or scouring Perez Hilton's website for the must know info. I refuse to spend money to feed the beast. Hmmm, but I have to know what's happening...hypocrite?

2) I started working out...again. I somehow manage to start AND stop within a month. I'm one of those "wanna see results yesterday" kind of people. It's been about 2 weeks and still nothing. Really?! I have to keep up with the leg-burning, sore muscle, gasping for air crap for an indefinite amount of time? Really?! Ugh! The only thing that keeps me going is an August trip to Key West during which I'll inevitably be in a bathing suit (Lord knows I need an actual reason) and the fact that I sleep like a baby now. However, my liver may not recover from the massive amounts of Ibuprofen I'm consuming.

3) I've been interviewing for a new job. I would rather poke myself in the eye with a rusty butterknife. How do I know why I'd be the best person for the job?? I know nothing about you or your company and can't even say I'd remotely like it. I have to sell myself like a hooker, but am not sure why or what for. I've had three offers, but still no job. All based on interviews. I've now made getting the job and subsequently declining it the challenge.

4) I am so ridiculously in love with my new dog, it's repulsive. I, by most standards am NOT a dog person. Not to be all prissy, but I hate a slobbering, smelly dog jumping on me. They've just always sort of annoyed me. Then, after losing a bet to my husband, we decide to get a dog. Of course, I had criteria. It can't bark, shed, jump, require walks or get on the furniture. After scoffing at my demands he proceeds to tell me he's always wanted a pug, A PUG? Really?! Don't they snort and have zero physical ability and wrinkly faces with big eyeballs?? Yes, he tells me, but they're ideal for small spaces (such as our apartment) and are so sweet and great with kids etc, etc, etc. So we get a call from the Humane Society that they have a 1-2 year old pug if we're interested. Long story short, we get the dog and within days I am wrapped around his paw. He snorts, jumps, sheds, gets on furniture and somehow I don't care so much. His sweet, wrinkly face and the way he looks at me with those big eyeballs...I'm butter. Oh, and he never leaves my side. Feeds my ego perhaps, but nonetheless, I love him. Meatball, that's his name. Really?! Yes, really.

5) I've realized that expressions spread like wildfire and I've made it my mission to bring back a few. It all started with Douchebag. I say it about everyone...in a negative way of course. The lady that cut me off, the guy that broke my friend's heart, my husband some days...douchebags. It applies to men, women, animals...even children, if you so choose. I've said it so much, I've noticed people in my life are jumping on the bandwagon and saying it too. What's funny is that I am from Florida and keep in touch with several people there, so some of them are now saying it. I've since stared hearing it on TV, from strangers. Now, I'm not so arrogant to think this is because I said it...but still, I never heard it before like I do now. And my new thing, that I stole from my friend Leslie, is "really". I say it constantly. In a repetitive way. Let's see if it catches on. Really....

Mother's Day 2007

AAhhhh, Mother's Day. The day to celebrate our mothers, to let them know how very valuable they are to us.

Only...what if you have a very difficult relationship with your mom? What if picking out a sappy, wordy card seems horrifically hypocritical? What if by the time your well thought out plan to make dinner and see a nice movie she had already wrestled you to your emotional brink? And what if being a mother yourself is the very thing you long for yet you are unable to do? I hate Mother's Day. It is a day that only reminds me of my unfortunate relationship with my own mother and my inability to be one myself. But..

I have such a profound love and respect for mothers. They truly shape who we are. They selflessly give of themselves, love unconditionally and become heroes in the eyes of their children.

So I try to remind myself that I am a good soul...to which I owe my mother alot of gratitude. She is a strong-willed, independent, compassionate woman and I hope I have adopted some these qualities. But her inability to love wholly, change her behaviors and repent for her many irrevocable hurtful actions will forever keep us separated by a deep-rooted resentment.

My hope is that the fact that I longed for so much more, that I felt so unloved will help me be a better mother one day. I just hope that day is sooner rather than later. I hope that by next year, it will have new meaning for me. For the child I hope to have will have me as a mother and together we can always celebrate the woman who selflessly gave him/her to me . That child will know true love...that is my dream. So until then, it is the one holiday I can live without.

David Beckham, SWOOOON..............

So I have this ridiculous, 7th grade crush on David Beckham. And seein as how I'm NOT in the 7th grade, it's more like a blood-boiling, psycho, dirty infatuation. I can honestly say I don't remember the last person (with the exception of my hubby of course), celebs included, that I get THIS worked up over. I mean, I'm THIRTY TWO years old for crying out loud and I actually fantasize about him. I have this little one where we do dirty things to each other for hours on end, eat, sleep and then go get mani's and pedi's together (you KNOW he's a metro-sexual). I know, sick right?!

So, I comb the internet looking for photos and just imagine us together...like I did with Corey Haim and Rick Springfield back in the day. I pretend I'm his mistress (not even the WIFE...it gets sicker people) and we have these rendesvous. I mean, in REAL life, I'm pretty goody-two-shoes and wouldn't dream of being some dirty mistress whore, but in my subconscious, I totally am. WHAT???!!

Is this unhealthy?? Is it because I'm feeling randy that this creeps up? I do hear all the time about reaching some sexual peak in your thirties, but does that include obsessing over T.V. people with whom I have no chance in hell of ever scoring...even if I WERE single and trying??? Ahhh, maybe that's it. No harm done. It would never happen and he just fulfills some weird "kick me in the ass with your muscle-toned soccer legs" fantasy? I guess that's it. At least that's what I'm gonna tell myself tonight when we meet in my dreams...

The Secret

Ok, so I'm currently reading The Secret (I know...Oprah and her damn world domination!), and I think it's really helping. For those who know me, I am perpetually happy. I mean to the point of annoyance. I'm often asked if I've ever been a cheerleader....yup, I confess. But those who KNOW me, know I have some demons and have had a few rough times. But I refuse to become a victim to what others have created. The book has helped me realize (what I think I already knew), we are masters of our own universe (why am I visualizing a muscle-man w/ a sword in the air??? Oh yeah, He-Man!!). Anyhoo, it speaks of the power of positive thinking and the law of attraction. If you think something hard enough, you will begin to feel it, in turn causing a reaction toward your original thought. It's an interesting theory and hey, what bad could possibly come with thinking positively?? Only problem I see? It claims the average Joe has 60,000!!!!!!! thoughts a day. And, well, I'm SO not average. I swear I have ADD and assume I have no less than 100,000 thoughts a day, 95% of which are usually spewing from my mouth!

So I started this just yesterday. Literally started changing my thought process. If I had a negative thought, I would replace it with a positive one.

Case in point: I have this irrational fear that no one likes me. Ok, that's very general. But I have always worried if I make a good impression, what people REALLY think about me etc. I know, pathetic. I swear I'm not some insecure flop...I really think I'm a pretty good gal. I genuinely care for people, I try to be a great friend/partner. I DO like myself. But I don't know if OTHER people like me. So I'm taking this sabbatical in Fla (I lived here before moving to Denver) and I have this sinking feeling that the new friends I have there will forget me while I'm gone. What, as if not being a yelping dog in their face will make me just vanish from their minds and hearts?? Not likely, I would hope, but this is how my crazy little brain works. I had the same fear when I left my friends in Florida, although I have YEARS of history with them, so I wasn't AS silly about it. So, I made myself change this thought process. I reminded myself of all the fun we'd had, all the ways in which we've really grown to care for eachother and what my contributions to that have been (I'm the group photographer...this I know!). And what happened? I check my e-mail and I have all of these sweet, encouraging e-mails and messages on my MySpace account. THEN, my friend Chrissy reminds me to read her blog and she's written this quick, sweet blog about her "Happy friend Jess" who is sad right now. And I cry...because that's what I do. If I'm not smiling, I'm hysterically bawling about something. Wait, don't panic, I'm not bipolar. It's just that I cry about EVERYTHING, more so when I'm happy or touched than when I'm actually sad. See, silly me, they didn't and won't forget. Sheesh. You hope you can impact someone's life a little more than allowing them to forget you in 2 days. And I hope I have, because I truly value these people and I hope they know that.

So, I think it works. I'm still not sure what the big "secret" is, but I do believe that changing your way of thinking truly can change events in your life. And, well, I wish I had this information ALOT sooner. For that Oprah, I fully place all blame on you.

It's official, I know nothing...

I kinda KNEW I was clueless about life. I mean, people still shock the hell outta me, no matter how well I think I can read them. Things rarely go as planned, regardless of the forethought given. And life in general...well, it is like an actual roller coaster. You hear this cliche quite a bit, but it's SO true. Situations can change DAILY. Up, down, fast, frightening, exhilerating....

I guess I just hoped that with age would come some clarity, but I find myself increasingly confused. I like to think I'm a worldly gal so things should make more sense, right? Not like I've lead some charmed, sheltered life. It's been hard, to say the least. SO, then WHY do I have nothing figured out??? Case in point: my marriage. I've made some not-so-good choices with men in the past (I'll blame that on daddy issues, THAT'S a whole other blog!), but I really, truly feel I chose wisely with my husband. He's smart, funny, kind, loyal...I mean, on paper, he's downright amazing. But life has dealt him/us some serious blows and now, we're having a tough time coping. We are the couple all of our friends have always envied and aspired to be like. I don't say that to be arrogant, it's just been THAT good...naturally, without a ton of "work" having to be done. We just...were. That's why I fell in love with him. The best man I'd ever known, who loved ME (ME???!!), and brought out the woman in me I knew was there, but was never trusting enough of anyone to show. I have never compromised who I am, and he loves me for it. So how did this happen to US? We're not some damn statistic, so I refuse to chalk it up to "50% of marriages end in divorce". We're better than that....at our best, we're unstoppable. Hell, MEDIOCRE, we're still pretty darn good.

So, the newest question I have (one of many) is, can we do this? Can we survive? Will we ever be the same? Will it be even better? I guess only time will tell. The problem is, in my experience, time hasn't told me much of anything. And therein lies the problem.